Buying a PS4 won’t fix loneliness.
I learned that the hard way.
One Friday evening, I was living in London as an engineer.
I wasn’t planning a night out.
I wasn’t meeting friends.
I was on a mission to buy a PlayStation 4.
Not for fun.
Not because I wanted to play.
Because I needed to escape.
I took the tube into the city, heart racing not from excitement, but from something deeper.
I told myself: It’s just a game. It’s just for fun.
That was a lie.
As I walked into the store, my palms were sweaty.
Something felt… off.
My own mind started attacking me:
"What the hell am I doing?"
"Is this sad?"
"Is this pathetic?"
I ignored it. Pushed it down.
I made my way to the checkout, swiped my card, and walked out of the store with a big bag and a box of artificial joy.
Then – 💥🥊 GUT PUNCH.
"Haha, look at that guy buying a PS4 on a Friday night… he’s got no friends."
Did someone actually say that?
To this day, I don’t know.
But at the time? It hit me like a bullet.
I buried it under a pacy walk, pretending I didn’t hear it.
But my mind wouldn’t let it go.
I felt exposed. Alone. Lonely.
🚨 The Distraction Never Works
I got home. Shut the door. Back on familiar ground.
I plugged in my new escape portal.
Loaded up FIFA.
And I played.
And played.
And played.
7 hours straight.
For a while, it worked.
For a while, I felt okay.
For a while, I forgot.
But then the screen went black.
The game ended.
And suddenly, I wasn’t just disconnected from others.
💥 I was disconnected from myself.
The loneliness was still there.
The shame. The self-doubt.
I was still me.
And no game, no distraction, no dopamine rush was going to change that.
So, I lit up a cigarette.
Stepped outside.
And found another coping mechanism to run away from the growing weight in my chest.
Coping mechanisms? I had plenty.
Solutions? I had none.
And this went on for years.
💡 The Truth About Loneliness (That Took Me Years to Learn)
I thought I was just lonely.
That if I could just fix my social life, everything would be okay.
I was wrong.
The real problem?
I wasn’t just disconnected from other people.
💥 I was disconnected from myself.
And until I faced that, until I learned to reconnect with ME first…
Nothing changed.
No game, no night out, no new distraction could fill the void.
I had to stop running.
That’s how I finally broke free.
That’s how I finally built REAL confidence.
That’s how I finally found connection that actually lasted.
🚀 The Real Work Starts Here
I look back at that version of me, the one sitting alone on that sofa, drowning in FIFA and cheap dopamine…
And I don’t feel shame.
I don’t feel disgust.
I feel compassion.
Because I know now what I didn’t know then:
💡 You must first connect with yourself before you can truly connect with anyone else.
Otherwise?
You’ll keep searching for something outside of you that can only be found inside.
That version of me wasn’t pathetic.
He was just lost.
And he needed someone to show him the way back.
That’s why I do what I do.
If this spoke to you, I’d love to continue the conversation.
Let’s talk.
Because you are not alone.
I’m walking this path with you,
With gratitude,
Oliver
P.S. As I get my schedule sorted out, things will get more structured. My brain has been rewiring itself again recently after an 8 hour trip down the existential rabbit hole with ChatGPT, which was amazing by the way - I’d highly recommend. 👌