How to stop fighting yourself

and find joy in the aftermath.

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Recently, I helped a client overcome procrastination.

He was having difficulty following through with his goals. He felt like he was making no progress and was unsure of how to move forward.

Distraction and avoidance prevented him from getting clarity, leaving him feeling lost and dissatisfied.

It turns out he was caught up chasing goals that were not truly his, but handed to him. A combination of others expectations, what he was seeing online and external noise.

I see this a lot, people running races they didn’t sign up for – always on the go, unable to switch off, with the finish line always slipping further away.

I’m going to share how to get out of this trap.

This letter helps you:

• Stop chasing goals that aren’t fulfilling.

• Get clarity on what is actually important to you.

• Cultivate joy by setting goals aligned with your values.

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The Problem.

Here’s 3 examples of things people want:

1. "I need to earn £100,000 a year and then I will be happy."

2. "I need a holiday to the Maldives, and then I will be happy."

3. “I need a partner, 2 kids and a dog, and then I will be happy.”

Basically <insert future condition here> and then I will be happy.

While there’s nothing wrong with having aspirations, there’s a difference between enjoying your journey and getting lost in someone else’s.

A difference which is made blurry by the digital age.

The media-fuelled comparison trap. Giving you the subliminal message of: "you are't enough, unless you have this" – keeping you stuck in the grind.

All the while your health, relationships and sanity are always under pressure.

So, how do you reclaim your joy?

The answer is nearer than you think.

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The solution.

Let's say, you are busy going after what you want.

But if that hasn't ever brought you joy, maybe there's something missing.

The question becomes:

How do you know what you want, if you have spent your life wanting what you have been told to want?

Is what you have been told to want – actually – what you want?

To help you grasp this, imagine a scenario.

You go into a restaurant where someone has already chosen your order. No menu, no waiting staff, just a place for you to eat. You end up with a plate of raw potatoes because “it's all they had."

You might never get to indulge your dormant love of minted lamb chops.

But if you want the lamb chops, you can’t just hope for it to arrive one day. You’ve got to explore. You’ve got to ask questions.

The way you find out your answers is in reflection.

You have to turn down the volume of the outside world, media, news, entertainment, music etc. The only way you hear yourself is when the rest is quiet.

That doesn't mean you need to live in an ashram and become a monk. It can look like building a simple daily habit of 5-10 minutes where you sit with yourself and watch your thoughts.

Maybe you write about your day and how you reacted to the events of it.

Maybe you walk and notice how the breeze feels on your face, the sound of the trees rustling in the wind.

Nobody is born self-aware. And it’s not some mystical art. It’s simply bringing your attention inward.

Think of yourself as watching a play at the theatre. Your emotions and thoughts are in the show, on stage. You are just watching them.

The key to understanding what you want from life, is self-awareness.

Because to know what you want, you have to know yourself first.

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Here’s what you can do.

While you are hooked on dopamine and instant gratification – being force fed a diet of platitudes and polish – you are vulnerable.

In this state, you are distressed and your nervous system is being hijacked.

Distress, the negative stress response, blinds your awareness. You get caught up in fight, flight or freeze, unable to break the cycle.

So, in order to relieve distress, we need clarity.

I find the easiest way to start clarifying what you want is to write in a journal.

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Try writing about these questions:

• What area of my life demands my attention the most, and why? (career, relationship, family, etc.)

• What 3 outcomes do I not want from this area of my life in the next month?

• What 3 outcomes do I want for this area of my life in the next month?

• What actions can I put into place to help me achieve those outcomes?

Be as clear as possible.

For example:

Let’s say I pick ‘health’ because it’s the area I feel weakest in right now.

An outcome I don’t want:

I don't want to feel tired all the time, relying on caffeine, because it is affecting my ability to concentrate while at work.

An outcome I want:

I want to feel rested when waking up at 7AM, maintaining my energy throughout the day, having been able to sleep for 8 hours through the night without disturbance.

Action:

I decide to start my wind down at 9PM, where I refrain from screen usage and drink water, read, write about my day and stretch before getting into bed.

I turn off the lights and ensure my room is cool and dark, with all distractions placed outside.

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To summarise.

After you continue to engage with practices like this one, you will build up self-awareness. It’s not something to turn on or off, it’s a conscious choice.

When you stop chasing and start reflecting you will find joy. Because you are no longer looking for it outside of you.

Joy is not a destination but the result of living a life that fulfils you.

Get clarity → Reduce distress → Build self-awareness → Know what you want

The way to getting what you want, is first and foremost, knowing what you want. You have the knowledge. Now you it’s up to you to use it.

At your side,

–Oliver

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Results.

This is what my client had to say, who inspired this weeks letter:

Oliver is a great coach and a very personable guy.

I wanted him to coach me because I wasn’t achieving all of my current goals and distractions would keep getting in the way.

Days and weeks would go by and I would feel like no progress had been made. I felt lost, like I wasn’t sure which direction to follow in life.

I realised a lot of what I was working on wasn’t really fulfilling me or moving my life forwards. I was doing what other people wanted from me, or trying to help other people out of self imposed obligation.

With Oliver’s help, my goals became clearer. I achieved more clarity and understanding of what I really want in my life. Now I don’t feel like battling with myself, because I’m doing what really fulfils me.

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Want more?

You are always welcome to read this publication. With it, you will have enough to build a joyful life that fulfils you.

But when reading, and doing it yourself isn’t cutting it, there’s a more direct path available. When we work together, you get to skip the frustration of figuring it out alone.

I now have 2 spaces available for 1:1 support. If you are interested in what that looks like, send me a message or reply to this email.