The following conversation reveals one of
the most common (but most damaging) lies
people-pleasers tell themselves:
That their younger self let them down.
It started as a vent about work.
What followed was a journey into the heart of self-sabotage and shame.
Recently I was talking to a close relative, let’s call her Anna, looking for a sounding board off which to bounce frustration.
It lead to tension. So we sat and opened up communication lines.
People-pleasing is something both Anna and I have experience with.
For me, I consider this part integrated.
But for her, it is a present day power struggle.
From the way it manifests itself in her lack of self-belief and limiting her own potential. Let alone, self-sacrificing to haplessly keep everyone happy.
Everyone, but herself.
Pausing for a moment, I realised something profound.
We actually have very similar trauma patterns.
Most notably, the missing father figure when we were young.
The rebellious stage, the eternal child mind, fear of failure and rejection, the fear of being seen for who we are.
Exploring this with Anna was a wholesome experience.
I was careful to guide her gently towards visualising her younger self.
What would she say to this part?
She was disappointed.
Intriguing. This was not the first time I have heard a people-pleaser express ‘disappointment’ in their younger self.
It identified an important connection for me.
This disappointment is the reason why the cycle of self-sabotage repeats itself.
Your wounded teenager not only has to deal with the painful events of the past, but also the disappointment of present day you.
It’s a double whammy.
That is brutal on them.
Going back to the conversation, we were locked in an entrancing state.
When you go that deep into conversation, time melts into a vortex. Flow state.
These conversations can go on and on if you let them.
The deeper you get, the deeper you can go.
It was getting late though, so we decided to wrap it up.
We concluded with the following points:
You must first address your own wounds before you can truly help others.
If you do not, then you are simply projecting the manifestation of your wounds onto them. It’s like wearing dirty glasses, you cannot see the clear picture unless you wipe them off first.
Dirty glasses create unconscious bias because of trauma-led behaviour and conditioning.
Our parts do the best they can, with what they know, with what they have, at the time.
This one is a good way to counteract the disappointment you may feel. Know that the part that you are disappointed in didn’t know any better.
They are longing to be united with you.
Their pain and suffering manifests itself in you, until you reclaim that part, you will continue to repeat the same self-sabotaging behaviours and coping mechanisms in response to the fear that part feels.
Praise from others will never fill the void that you must fill with praise from yourself.
Because your inner parts are not looking for praise from anyone except you. They want you to see them. No one else.
Anna was able to unlock a lot of self-belief during this conversation. I affirmed to her that she can have these kinds of conversations, but she often tells herself she is not intelligent enough.
She is trying to her protect herself from pain. To avoid the risk that something scary might come up.
The thing is, it is the wounded part of her that is creating this response.
For reasons such as, but not limited to:
Never learning how to have difficult conversations.
Feeling unsafe revealing itself, for fear of judgement.
Being excluded and shunned for stepping forward.
Is terrified to be in the world without a hand to hold.
Has been missing a leader to help her navigate.
Now. If you’ve ever felt disappointed in who you used to be, this is for you.
Missing an internal leader, due to a lack of self-trust is like a ship sailing through the ocean with no captain at the helm.
When you direct disappointment towards the younger version of yourself, who was trying to step up but felt unable at the time, you are directly contributing to their fear of failure.
You are keeping them small with the way you criticise them relentlessly.
You are pushing them into hiding because they are scared of your judgement.
Here are a few ways to approach this in order to rebuild that connection and by extension, your confidence in leading yourself:
Hold a Meeting With Your Parts
Treat your parts like teammates.
Visualise a roundtable of your past selves: childhood, teenage, student, adult. Give them the floor. Let them speak. Let them be proud.
Action - Ask them all: “What do you need from me now?”Trace the Disappointment
Ask yourself deeply, where does the disappointment come from?
If you could go back and meet that part of yourself now, what would you tell them to show your support?
What if I told you that the pain you feel due to your lack of self-belief is directly tied to the praise and belief you give to this part of yourself?
Action - Reflect on those questions. Explore them in your own time, either in writing or thought.Build a Trust Plan
Reflect on the relationship you have with the parts you are disappointed in.
Your parts look up to you as their leader.
You can lead as a dictator, and bully them into submission.
Alternatively, and what I recommend, is inspiring them.Take on difficult challenges and involve them. they will cheer for you, but only if you create a relationship with them where they feel supported and seen.
Action - Write down in detail an action plan that you will stick to in order to build trust with yourself.
Moving forward.
Take a moment to reflect. Can you envision yourself in Annas shoes?
People-pleasing is not who you are. It is not an identity, it is a protection mechanism. It is an act of self-soothing. Ultimately flawed and only facilitates pain.
If you take the time and effort to journey to the root of the pain, you will be rewarded with transformation.
If you want to lead yourself with confidence, stop treating your younger self like a failure, and start treating them like a teammate who survived the storm.
To give yourself accountability, reply to this post with one step can you take, no matter how small, to transform disappointment into self-belief. Let’s talk about it.
If this resonated, share it with someone who needs to forgive who they used to be.
That’s all for now.
I will be back next week where I will expand on this by exploring the difference between self-dictatorship and self-leadership.
Until then, take care.
At your side, always.
-Oliver
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