Real confidence isn’t performance. It’s presence.
No more second-guessing.
No more waiting to be ready.
No more asking for permission.
This is your moment. Claim it.
Me: Where the hell am I going? What is the point of all of this? Why am I slipping down the drain into the sewer of procrastination and self-pity again?
Also me: Come on mate, I know you can do better than this. Where's that self-leadership that you oh so boldly profess? Ah, there it is.
Long story short, I have been fried recently. Not a gentle sauté, but deep fried in canola oil. Yeah... crispy, not in a good way.
So using all my techniques and methods to ground, I was tested.
My mettle was being challenged.
Ok, coach. So, you want to help people? Let's just make sure that you are still able to help yourself.
To clarify - I was able to. I made it out the storm. And now it's time to reveal how.
Itchy Bones I Call It.
You feel restless.
Nothing seems like a good plan.
It's all making you irritable.
You just want to crawl under the duvet and withdraw from the world.
It's tiring putting the expectations of everyone else on your shoulders.
It's downright self-torture. No wonder you are exhausted all the time.
Avoidance is not the answer, no matter how nicely it promises:
“this time it will work…”
It won't. It never does. It never has and it never will.
Neither will numbing the discomfort with your substance of choice.
Gaming? Porn? Alcohol? Shopping? Food?
Now. Hold that thought a second…
On a side note, a brief reflection.
No addiction, or compulsion, is worse than another. The ego would have you believe that yours is the worst, the most difficult to overcome so you can win the recovery trophy.
But in truth, doing this fails to understand the nuance of addiction itself. That it's not about the surface level problem, and always the pain underneath. And ultimately, your pain is your pain and that's all that matters.
The wound, the loneliness, the worthlessness.
The heap of endless demands you keep putting on yourself, trying to bury the real issues underneath productivity and getting stuff done.
In time, I will delve into addiction at much more depth, but that is not the aim of this piece, it just so happened to be the vehicle I used to arrive at this post.
Finding The Exit.
Ok, let’s get back to it…
Right now I'm going to give you a very simple, practical method to get out of that prickly limbo that seems to trap you when you feel deflated and stuck in your head.
Feeling like your skin is crawling with invisible termites?
Paradoxically, you are both itching to go and completely flat at the same time?
I get it. I have been there. Here's how you can get out…
Breathe.
(I know what you’re thinking, but wait. There’s method in my madness.)
Let me explain a little more.
Breathe, in a chair, outside, in silence, by yourself, no distractions.
Maybe that sounds like another form of torture to you, but I promise - not in the shady back alley style of avoidance, but like a holy messenger sent from truth city - that this will help you.
We all have the capacity to catastrophize everything in our heads.
It's always the worst case scenario. We rummage around our mind luggage trying to sort it out, only making it more chaotic in the process.
So stop rummaging.
Your brain wants familiarity, certainty and order.
As people, we naively try to bring this order to the world we live in. Labelling, organising, scheduling, planning etc.
But what we fail to understand is that the world is not a mess, it is in harmony.
The illusion of chaos is what keeps us running on the wheel, trying to fix something eternally, because the irony of it is - the thing was never broken.
We even come up with reasons it actually is broken to justify our actions of trying to repair it. Nuts right?
Imagine yourself going full whack, rewiring the engine of a perfectly functioning car...
Stop.
Slow down.
Halt.
Hold yer horses.
Be still.
What I am going to explain to you is mindfulness.
Awareness. Grounding. The act of regulating your nervous system to allow you to get out your head for a period of time where you can actually make sense of your thoughts.
Step By Step:
You notice your mind going haywire. What to do?
Go outside (optional)
Find a quiet space, seat where you can sit down.
Rest here. Start breathing in for 4, holding for 1 and exhaling for 6.
Repeat this 10-15 cycles.
If you have not done so already, close your eyes.
Return to normal breathing.
Watch your thoughts, like clouds in the sky.
Repeat until you feel calmer.
(Optional: continue to self-journeying)
Ask yourself: Which part of me is scared?
Ask yourself: What does this part not want to let go of?
Ask yourself: How can I ensure that this part feels safe?
What Does This Look Like?
You feel agitated. You have a lot on your mind. You are unable to relax. So you walk outside into the back garden and take a seat.
You first take a look around, noticing the birdsong chorus of a late spring eve. You notice the fading sunlight and the fiery sky in all its glory. You take some breaths.
In for 4, hold for 1, out for 6.
You do this a few times, you start to feel yourself easing up. The tension starts to melt.
Your eyes slowly seal shut. You keep breathing. You come into the moment.
You come into the space around you. Becoming aware of your body.
Aware of the sensations of your breath, the breeze and your presence.
At this point, there is no harm in continuing to be aware of yourself, but if you want to venture inward, to self-journey then here is how that might look:
You ask - what part of me is scared?
The younger version of you says - "I'm scared."
Approach with curiosity - "Hey little <your name>, I see you. You are safe here."
Important: Bear in mind, this takes practice. You aren't just going to sit down for the first time and have your younger self jump out at you.
But even initiating the question can have profound impact because it is all about the positive intention. Don't think it's not working just because you don't engage in a conversation.
You: "What are you scared of?"
Part: "Well, I'm worried that I might fail. I'm worried people will judge me and think I'm no good. I'm scared that I won't be successful and I won't make my parents proud."
You: "Ah, that's a lot to wear, that must feel quite heavy, no?"
Part: "Yeah... it's really heavy. It's so heavy."
You: "Hey, what if I told you, you don't need to carry those expectations around in a backpack? What if I told you, that maybe people are actually rooting for you? Even still, what is stopping you from rooting for yourself?"
Part: "Well, I always thought I needed it to come from other people."
You: "Ok, well how about you get it from me? I see you, I know how hard you are trying. You have done an incredible job."
(Show support to your younger self. If this seems difficult, try to imagine them in front of you. Visualise them as you would any other person.)
Part: "Well, there's more. I am scared of uncertainty. I really don't like not knowing the answers. If I don't understand something, it means it's unpredictable, and maybe something bad could happen."
You: "Ok. What would happen if you let go of the need for control? What if something really good happens?"
(It's easy to jump to the negative because it protects us. It keeps us safe. It takes away the adventure and the risk from something. Sure, it feels inhibiting, because it is.)
You: "What are you afraid of letting go of?"
Part: "I'm scared that if I let myself take risks, I will mess up. I'm scared that I might get hurt."
You: "Well, how about you start slow. Take it step by step. You don't need to rush it."
Part: "That sounds like a good idea."
You: "What can I do to make sure you feel safe?"
Part: "I want to be able to trust you. I want to know that I can move, confident that no matter what happens, I will be ok."
You: "Alright, deal. Let me show you."
(This is the moment where you build trust. By showing up mindfully, spending the time with yourself and your parts is where the connection is built. And then slowly through the continuation of this exercise.
And not only through this, but keeping your word, pursuing challenges in your life and following through. It is the combination of showing up for yourself and in your life that builds self-trust.)
Director: Alright, let’s cut it there. *clack*
As The Fog Fades.
A short-ish example, but I hope it gives you the idea of what you could ask yourself.
Go as deep as you want. You don't have to push yourself. Give yourself time and attention, because you deserve it.
Often in these situations, you will be met with a lot of clarity, sometimes confusion. But know that the emotions are not permanent. They are not you, they are just waves passing through you.
For me, I was reminded of my pattern to seek out certainty. To look for the answers. Right now, life is acting very reserved and not giving a lot away, that bugs me. There is a lot of smoke clouding my vision. So it was the time to disperse some of it.
Mindfulness is my go-to. The practice of letting myself come to stillness and just observing, then moving into self-journeying once my nervous system is calm.
As ever - these practices are always there to deliver peace of mind. And notice how I use the word practice. It's not something to be completed, but a way of living.
Peace of mind is not a button, it's a result of living consciously.
Which means it is within your reach.
If you are here now, reading or listening, give it a try today. 5 minutes. A very small commitment, but more than enough to set the wheels of growth in motion.
Do Try This At Home.
Now for something to act on, 3 varying difficulties of exercise:
🥉 Easy
Complete 5 minutes of mindfulness each day this week, silent, still, in reflection.
🥈 Medium
Complete 10 minutes mindfulness each day with week.
🥇 Advanced
Complete 20 minutes mindfulness each day this week.
After each session, complete 10 minutes journalling about what came up.
Let’s Wrap This Up.
To give you a starting point, during your mindfulness practice I'd invite you to reflect on this question:
What does restlessness protect you from?
Let it sit. Let it simmer.
Next week, we’ll dive into the art of self-journeying. Exploring how to meet the parts of you that are still afraid, still hiding, still waiting to be seen.
Until then,
Take care, friend.
At your side always,
– Oliver
P.S. Want Guidance With Self-Journeying?
If anything in this spoke to you and you want to go deeper, reach out. I’d love to help you personally. Simply reply to this email or send me a message to inquire about 1:1 support.
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