Meet my man-child.
I call him Peter Pan. He is one of my parts.
For those unfamiliar with how I work, my approach to healing involves part integration. It is the psychological separation of your self into parts, based on various eras of your life.
If you would like a detailed breakdown of how this works, I explain it in this post.
But essentially, your parts are versions of you across time. By working with parts, it allows you to envision your past so that you may ‘journey’ back to resolve unhealed wounds and break behavioural patterns.
Hence where my method ‘self-journeying’ comes from.
I attribute my 20s to a part I call Peter.
Peter doesn't want to grow up and hates responsibility.
It’s never his fault, he wants to be everyone’s friend and hates conflict. He is still bound by his impulsive behaviour. He is an unruly teenager in a young man’s body. Most of the time, he listens to me.
But sometimes, he doesn't.
This was one of those times when I had to help him.
To embody the father figure he never had.
The urge that sparked a fire.
After I decided to approach it with curiosity.
Peter: I want to watch porn.
Me: Ok, why is that?
Peter: because I am sexually starved. Porn is the next best thing I have available that is easy, accessible and will satisfy me, to a degree.
Me: What alternatives do you have to porn?
Peter: well, I could use dating apps to try meeting women. I could also head out into town to work in a cafe, maybe I could meet someone there.
I could also join a group for a hobby that i am interested in. The thing is, all of these require more effort than instant gratification.
Me: Why are you not prepared to make an effort in this situation?
Peter: I may be rejected, I may not be liked, I may be unsuccessful, I may have to... hmm...
Me: There are an awful lot of conditional statements there. I may... I may... none of them are for certain. You may find a lovely partner... it’s not just about the sex.
You may meet someone you really get on with... porn is just the easy way out. Why do you want the easy way out?
Peter: I like the easy way because it’s safe. And dating feels unsafe. I have no idea what I’m doing.
Past the fear frontier.
(This is the hesitation. This is the moment I thought about stopping. But I continued.)
Me: What is it about dating that intimidates you? Why are you scared to put yourself out there? Why are you holding back?
Peter: because I don’t want to be too forward. I have piled up my love and feelings since breaking up with R. behind a dam. I am worried of being too much, of coming across as desperate.
Me: Why are you worried about this?
Peter: I feel like I scared E. away, and K. doesn't seem to care any more.
Me: Really? Or did you let it go because you didn't want your ego to get hurt? Did she actually turn you down, or did you run away?
Peter: Probably my ego. I dont want to be seen as weak. I don’t want to be seen as a man who is indecisive. I want to be seen as strong. And if I don’t feel that way, I’d rather just run away.
Me: You want to be seen as strong? Or you want to be strong?
Peter: I want both.
Me: Are you strong?
Peter: I think so, yes.
Me: You think so?
Peter: I am strong.
Me: So if you truly believe this, why do you care what people think? Does a strong person care for the opinions of others?
Peter: No. But I want people to see me as strong. And I want women to look past my height. I want to be with someone who supports me. I want intimacy. I miss R. for that part of our relationship.
Me: What is stopping you from having this?
Peter: I am scared of putting myself out there.
Me: Why?
Peter: because I never learned how to do it. I have no fucking idea what I am doing. It’s a mystery. I feel safer not taking the risk.
Me: Ok. so how can you learn?
Peter: By doing it.
Me: What do you have to do?
Peter: ...get out there and date.
Me: Look, porn was your answer for a very, very long time. but you know that it doesn't address the root of your problem. All porn does is distract you.
As soon as you are done with it, the pain returns.
So, do you still want to watch porn?
Peter: Yes.
Me: Why?
Peter: to squash the feeling, to numb, to escape, to run away, to indulge, to self-destruct.
Me: And how does running away help you?
Peter: I am removing the urge. I am getting rid of the hunger for intimacy. Because it taunts me. It has taunted me my whole fucking life.
The thing I wanted but could never have. I want it, and I want it now. Porn is the closest thing available.
It’s safe. It doesn't say no. It doesn't take any effort. It doesn't judge me. It wont laugh at me. It’s there. It’s not actually what I want. But it’s the closest thing I have right now.
Me: Ok. thats good. you are courageous for sharing that. Can you describe how you feel having this conversation?
Peter: more aware. More in control.
The Breakthrough.
(Now the healing can begin.)
I pause with Peter and take a moment to reflect.
I feel like I want to allow myself the chance to relapse, to just let go of the resistance. To watch porn, to play games, to eat junk, to drink, to say fuck it. It’s like I want to let Peter off the leash.
Now, that is interesting...
I said 'off the leash' as if I am holding him hostage. It’s like I cannot trust him, if he watches porn, or plays even one game, or drinks one beer he will instantly go off the rails.
There is this sense of me, my present self, having all my parts controlled. Under curfew. Is this necessary? Can I let them roam freely and express their wants and needs?
Or does this just turn me back into the person I worked so hard to change?
The Real Pain.
(Lightbulb moment, I hit the root of the pain.)
My disappointment in my younger self hit me like a bullet.
Tears began to flood my eyes.
I return to Peter.
Peter: am I not good enough for you? Was I not good enough? Did I fail?
(He thinks my disappointment in him was what motivated me to change. He thinks I wanted to change to get away from him, to leave him behind out of disgust.)
Peter: is that that why you wanted to change?!
(He is in deep pain. he feels abandoned, pushed away. He feels exiled by me.)
Peter: I did my best... I could never figure dating out. It was terrifying. I admire you, Oliver. You did what I could not. And that makes me jealous. So I want to rebel. I want you to see it my way.
I want you to watch porn because then you will be less like you and more like me.
(Wow. That was piercing.)
Seeing you now, all grown up, intimidates me and I try to cooperate most of the time, but other times, I get so frustrated because we aren't ‘there’ yet. And I want to be there. I want to see our hard fucking work pay off.
Ah, I got angry. I am quite angry.
Me: What are you angry about?
Peter: people never respected me in the way I wanted. Nobody saw me for who I wanted to be. I want the recognition. Just like the recognition I was used to receiving as a boy.
This made me feel appreciated and like I was worthy. When I stopped receiving this, I lost my sense of worth.
Me: Where was your sense of worth in yourself?
Peter: I dont know. I guess I never had any. I wanted the approval of other people. I want it from my dad. I want that he sees what I am doing. I want that mentor, father figure to see me. I am always looking for it. I have been searching for so long.
Me: What if I give you that approval? Can you see me as your father figure? What exactly are you looking for, Peter?
Peter: I value freedom because I never had rules growing up. I like the easy path because I never learned how to enjoy hard work. I always had it easy, I never struggled with school. I don’t know what putting effort in looks like.
And, I want results. I want them now. Hard work is boring. Approval feels good. It lets me know I am doing well.
I think there is a fear of losing my freedom. Fear that I may get stuck. And getting stuck keeps me still. I don’t like being still. I like escape plans. I like starting again when it goes wrong. Just like in video games. I like video games…
Me: You didn't answer my question.
Peter: I know. I am dancing around the topic.
Me: I'm surprised, you are aware of it.
Peter: yeah, I learned that from you.
(This blew my mind as I was journalling. The moment you see yourself is one thing. But the moment your younger self sees you is truly the most wholesome feeling you can have on this journey.)
Me: Come here, give me a hug, Oli.
(I chose not to use ‘Peter’, because I wanted to show my younger self I also see him.)
More tears.
My soul was healing.
What I told him.
(and what he needed to hear.)
Me: Listen my friend. You want to watch porn to run away from pain. To escape, to avoid, to mask. but you don’t need to. I see you. You can trust me. I hope you realise that.
I love you. I am proud of you. We are a team.
I don’t want you to feel controlled. You are me as I am you. I am here. Don’t worry, you dont need to be scared any more.
Peter: don’t leave me here! I want to come with you. Don’t leave me in the past.
Me: Do you still want to watch porn?
Peter: no.
End of journal entry. After that I spent time still, reflecting.
Processing.
Integrating.
How you can do this with your own parts.
(A simple, practical framework to use in your time.)
Step by step:
→ Isolate the urge.
→ Name the part.
→ Stay with it.
→ Ask questions.
→ Lead with love.
→ Keep showing up.
Now. Let's break that down.
First, isolate the urge, or craving you are feeling.
Bring your discomfort to the table and initiate a safe space where you can engage with it. Laying down in a comfortable position, or sat at a desk with journal open, it’s up to you.
Name the part.
For me, I call him Peter. Naming your part humanises them. It allows you to visualise the interaction in a life-like way, not just an ambiguous emotion that feels intangible and inaccessible.
Stay with it. Don't shy away.
It will be easy to run and shut the conversation down when it gets uncomfortable. I mean, you just read this post. That was uncomfortable as hell to confront.
However, in order to let your part trust you, you must be able to withstand the emotional storm. You need to shelter your part, and shoulder the discomfort because this is where real self-trust is built.
Get curious. Show interest, ask questions.
Seek to understand, not to control. Know that this part is looking to be lead, it wants you to step up, but it needs to know that you are on their side.
Your part needs to have a foundation level of belief that you have their best interests in mind. You need a common goal, otherwise you will not be able to heal the wound.
My goal in the example, was to ensure Peter felt seen. On the other side, his goal was to be seen. That is how we both have the same outcome to work towards.
Lead with love, not shame. Compassion is key.
Shame is the whole reason why this part is wounded. Because you are keeping them trapped. Shame is responsible for keeping the wound from healing.
When you let go of shame, and approach with compassion, love and understanding, this is when the wound becomes whole again.
One way to frame this is by reminding yourself: “you part was doing the best they could with what they knew at the time.” They didn't know any better. So why shame them for that?
Remember, it’s constant work.
This is not a one time and done deal. No, in the same way you build trust with anyone else, the same goes for your self.
Except this relationship is the most important one you will ever build. Because everything else is reliant upon it.
Final Word
And that my friends, was an example of part integration.
This is what I help people with.
So that you can also conquer your addictions, heal your wounds and feel whole.
It’s deep. It’s not affirmations or manifestation. It’s real, nitty gritty shit.
But don’t think for one minute it’s something you need to do alone.
Because I am here to guide you.
You already know - this ain’t cozy letters with Oliver.
This is real f-ing confidence.
And with real confidence, you will never need to hide from yourself again.
Forget about shallow self-help.
We are self-journeying now.
It’s how you break the cycle of shame and disappointment for good.
It’s how you step into any room and own your presence.
It’s how you stop having to perform confidence and instead, become it.
So, just say the word and we will get to work.
I’m not going anywhere.
At your side,
Always,
Oliver.
P.S. Looking for 1:1 support?
(I’m here to help you navigate the maze.)
You need not do this alone.
As someone who spent over 10 years lost in the maze of addiction, loneliness and the search for ‘something’, inner peace can seem hopeless.
Affirmations? Nope.
Gym? For a while, yeah. Then, nope.
Faking it? Nah. Looks good, feels empty.
Self-help books? “insta-coaches”?
More soulless advice from the ai-generated mountain top?
Honestly, it makes me nauseous too.
But, I got you. I know how it feels when nothing actually works.
So I created something that does.
I didn’t study this. I didn’t learn it in a course.
I lived it. I am proof it works.
Self-journeying.
The act of meeting yourself in the places it hurts most. To reunite the lost parts of yourself that are holding wholeness out of reach.
Real confidence is about showing up 100% authentically, without needing to perform.
It’s about owning your presence.
It’s not about being fearless.
It’s about being terrified and moving forward anyway.
It’s not about faking it.
It’s about never needing to fake it ever again.
It’s not about surviving.
It’s about living in total alignment and thriving.
It’s about turning your pain into power.
So when you're ready to stop running and start walking your true path, I’m here.
Ready to walk with you.
Send me a message on substack or apply direct to get started.
Doubt ends where action begins.
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