You’ve been lied to.
Just fake it til you make it.
You ever heard that advice?
Probably, because there's a lot of people out there spouting it under the illusion that it's a sustainable solution to imposter syndrome.
But ironically, imposter syndrome is caused by faking it.
So adopting the fake it til you make it method, you are inherently creating your problem.
There are two types of confidence.
External and internal.
One performs, looks the part, acts the part, but crumbles under pressure and turbulence.
The other is quiet, grounded and sails through the storm, unshaken and resilient.
You don't need money, fame, status or power to be confident.
You just need to own your presence.
What does that mean?
It means, you take responsibility for your whole self.
It means, you trust yourself in any situation.
It means, no matter what curve ball life throws at you...
You will still find a way to make it back home to base.
Confidence or competence?
Working as a scuba diving instructor I saw a lot of things.
Beautiful coral reefs, turtles getting jiggy with it and divers panicking at depth. All kinds of stuff.
But most notably, seemingly confident individuals, covered in tattoos and bravado who melt as soon as you put a pair of fins on them.
So... how deep is it? Are there sharks? Is it dangerous down there?
Fear. Sure, thats understandable. But sometimes, that meant them pulling the ripcord. waving the white flag.
Now you may say ok, that’s fair enough.
I say that isn't confidence, that’s imposter syndrome in real time.
That’s when the surface tells a different story to whats underneath.
I’ve seen children with more confidence in the ocean, because even when they know it’s scary, even when they really don’t want to remove their mask underwater, they still do it.
Because they trust themselves.
That is confidence.
People get confused between confidence and competence.
You don’t build confidence by doing something 1000s of times. You build competence.
Competence is skill. how good you are at something.
Confidence has nothing to do with how good you are at something.
But it has everything to do with how much you believe in yourself to do it in the first place. And then keep doing it without hesitation.
The challenge.
Imposter syndrome is when you feel like a fraud, right?
When you feel like your skin is a costume.
When your job title is your identity.
When your whole sense of worth is tied to external conditions that ultimately, you have little control over.
You can be working a position for years and still have imposter syndrome because it’s not the job you are impersonating, it’s yourself.
The proof? Someone can be extremely competent at art, 5 years of experience. Doesn't mean they are confident in their ability.
Imposter syndrome, at it’s core, is an identity crisis.
It’s the feeling of - I have no idea who I am.
It goes way beyond a job title, a relationship or anything outside of who you are.
Because it is only about your trust in yourself.
See the connection to confidence?
They are all parts of the same puzzle.
Paraphrasing the same underlying message.
Low confidence, imposter syndrome, self-doubt, indecisiveness, etc.
They all lead to the same origin. The self and the trust associated with it.
The big question is: "who are you?"
It sounds simple. But not easily answered.
People spend serious money on the pursuit of 'knowing themselves'.
It takes them to ayahuasca retreats, music festivals, other countries and grubby bars at 3am.
But the point is, people look everywhere for themselves except the one place it actually exists.
If you chase confidence externally, placing it within things that can be taken from you – such as physique, looks, material and objects, you will be chasing a lifetime.
However, there is one place where nothing can be taken from you.
Not now, not ever. and once you build confidence there, it stays.
Within you.
The inner world. Built up of your parts, memories, past, history and experiences.
The reason why you are unconfident is because you have no idea who you are.
The reason why you don't trust yourself is because you are a stranger to yourself.
We learn it from an early age - be careful to trust strangers.
No wonder we apply the same logic to ourselves…
Escaping the matrix.
Alright, now we have established the issue, it's time to share the solution.
It depends on you building a relationship with yourself.
Not in the gym, not making it rain paper and certainly not playing rockstar with the drink and drugs.
Sure, they might give you a temporary high, a certain buzz or fleeting sense of stardom and importance, but ultimately it's all smoke and mirrors.
Then in the aftermath, you are left with the silent, soul scathing temptation of distraction and the need to run away from nothingness.
People even pride themselves on being do-ers. Can't switch off. Busy-bodies.
Otherwise known as some of the most stressed people on earth.
You want to reach for the distraction again, I know I used to for a long time.
But as Trinity tells Neo as he almost gets out the car...
"You have been down there Neo, you know that road, you know exactly where it ends. And I know that's not where you want to be."
Here’s the game plan, clean, clear and concise.
Open communication with yourself.
Invest in a journal. Carve out a moment to sit with yourself in silence.
Starting out? Set aside just 5 minutes a day to describing your internal monologue.
Thoughts?
Reactions?
Events?
Struggles?
Victories?
Get it all down. Start getting to know you.
Yes, your mind will be itching like its got chicken pox, but be still. Watch it. Let it wriggle around. Let it tire out.
Then when it does, that’s when the liquid gold flows.
The mind wants to protect you, it wants to keep you safe, even at the cost of your own happiness and confidence.
It doesn't care if you are unconfident, in fact, it wants you to be unconfident, because better you be unconfident and existing than confident and not.
Morbid? Not really. It’s the truth.
Your mind is the self-preservation society dressed up as a cocktail of emotion, ego and curiosity.
To the mind, a mosquito carries the same danger as a loaded gun, it’s only the rationality of conscience that differentiates them.
Listen. The mind gets calmer. It doesn't need to be a petrified child all the time.
But that means you taking the lead and approaching it with presence.
Silence is not so scary once you get to know it.
The mind is just like a stranger, you are uncomfortable at first. It feels awkward, but the more time you spend connecting, the more trust you build.
If you don't like writing, just observe. Sit down, lay down, it’s not important how you do it, just so much as you do it.
The Grand Finale.
Spend time with yourself. Fully present.
If you take nothing else away from this post, take those 6 words.
6 words to build confidence.
6 words to cure imposter syndrome.
6 words to become aware of your true potential.
There you go, the number of the beast. wonderful.
Now you want to know the payoff, right?
Sure you do, you want to know what's in it for you.
How does this sound?
Lasting peace of mind, so you can hear yourself think.
Actually relaxing, without booking a 5 grand holiday, only to spend it worrying about work.
The ability to confront any situation, walk into any room and own your truth with conviction.
No more doubt.
No more worry.
No more feeling like your whole life is a lie.
No amount of rejection, failure or criticism will rock you.
With internal confidence you can adapt to and dominate any environment because it’s not balancing on external conditions but rooted in your truth.
It works anywhere. Anytime.
So – if you are ready to command your ship like it was what you were born to do, then start cultivating your practice of self-reflection and introspection.
It's time to embark on your own self-journey.
If you are looking for 1:1 guidance, I'm here.
The bridge from where you are to where you want to be is ready to cross.
Reach out via message or email reply to learn more about the crossing.
At your side always,
-ONM
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