Real confidence isn’t performance. It’s presence.
No more second-guessing.
No more waiting to be ready.
No more asking for permission.
This is your moment. Claim it.
A Field Manual for Self-Journeying
Remember that scene in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, where Hermione uses the time-turner to go back in time?
What felt like trauma and chaos in the moment becomes something else entirely, because they witnessed it from a new perspective.
They didn’t avoid the event. They returned to it. Saw it differently. And closed the loop.
That’s essentially what self-journeying is.
It’s the process I created to heal myself over and over again. Not by fixing the past, but by going back into it with compassion and presence.
It’s built on the foundation of IFS (Internal Family Systems), but adapted into something simple and powerful you can use without training or theory.
You don’t need a psychology degree. You don’t need to be deeply spiritual or endlessly self-aware. You just need a memory. A willingness to feel. And the courage to stop running from your own story.
And for the record - anyone who says this is ‘dangerous’ is still scared of their own shadow. There is nothing more terrifying than what you have already lived through.
Disagree? Cool, you can find the self-help fluff in the kids section.
Now that we’ve got the real ones here, let’s walk through it together.
What’s Actually Going On When You Stay Stuck
Most of the time, you don’t actually “move on” from pain. You just bury it.
Bypassing it with dopamine and avoidance.
You move forward. But you don’t move through.
And that means parts of you get left behind. Versions of your self, still stuck in those old experiences. Carrying the emotion you didn’t want to feel. The confusion you couldn’t make sense of. The shame you couldn’t bear.
Even after years pass, these parts don’t just disappear. They start running the show in the background:
Sabotaging your relationships.
Preventing growth.
Triggering panic.
Shutting down connection.
Stealing your peace of mind.
It’s brutal.
But listen, your parts don’t do this because they’re bad.
They do this because they were left in the dark. Alone, scared, and unseen.
You feel stuck, because you’re moving forward but still going in circles.
And in truth, it’s not you that’s stuck, it’s the parts you have left behind. Stuck in the past, and until you make amends, you will stay on that roundabout.
Well. Today’s your lucky day, because this post will show you how to find the right exit.
The 4 Steps of Self-Journeying
Self-journeying is how we go back. Not to relive the pain. But to retrieve parts of us that are trapped there.
There are 4 core tools. I’ve used them to process things I never thought I could face such as shame, addiction, rejection, unworthiness. And every time I’ve used them, I’ve felt more whole. More myself.
Let’s break them down.
Step 1: Pain Map
You begin by identifying the area of your life that currently feels heavy. Where is there friction? Confusion? A repeating emotional pattern?
This becomes the focal point on your map. The destination.
But how to get there? We need a Pain Map.
Place your current self at the centre. Then branch outward into different memories, relationships, beliefs, or moments from your past that feel connected to the pain you identified.
For example: Derek feels lacking in confidence.
He remembers events that have happened in his past. A toxic break up, getting fired, making him feel unworthy. He was led to believe he was only worthy if he provided value. And external value at that. He is a performer.
So the moment that performance crumbles, he crumbles, and his confidence with it.
Then, he traces the line further back. He goes back to the divorce of his parents and sees that he only received praise when he performed at school or in sports.
These are 2 parts he needs to meet, in order to heal their pain, and also his pain.
This isn’t about writing an autobiography. It’s about locating the moment your inner world fragmented.
It might take a few tries to find it. That’s okay. Sometimes, it’s not the obvious trauma, it’s the subtle moment of disconnection like the conversation you never had, the feeling you weren’t allowed to feel, the identity you were told to abandon.
The map gives you direction. Once you’ve made it, you walk.
Inside the RC Vault, you will find a much more detailed explanation of the Pain Map.
(I’d suggest reading that after this post for full clarity. Revisit them, until you are comfortable with the process. Plus, you are always welcome to ask me questions personally. Just send me a message on substack or an email reply.)
Step 2: Fear Monster
As you follow the thread of your pain map, you’ll eventually reach a wall.
It might show up as resistance. Or shame. Or a moment that feels impossible to revisit.
This is the Fear Monster.
It’s not a real monster. But it’s real in how it guards the wound. It’s the internal protector that says: “Don’t go there. You won’t survive it.”
And yet… this is the gatekeeper.
To go through it, you don’t fight it. You feel it. You acknowledge it. You let it speak.
For me, one of the clearest examples was when I revisited the moment my younger teenage self got rejected by his first crush.
On the surface, it seemed like nothing. But buried beneath it was a cocktail of shame, self-loathing, and fear of never being wanted again.
The monster wasn’t the girl. It wasn’t the rejection. It was my own disgust at myself for being vulnerable.
And that disgust had followed me into every relationship, every attempt to connect, and every moment where intimacy was on the line.
The moment I stopped blaming the past and started feeling what my younger self felt… the illusion broke.
That’s what the Fear Monster is. It’s not an enemy. It’s a doorway.
And on the other side of that doorway is the part you left behind, waiting for you to finally find the courage to meet them.
Step 3: Unite
This is the real work.
You’ll find your younger self in that memory. Sometimes they appear as a clear image. Other times it’s just a sense. A presence. A remembered emotion.
Whatever shows up, don’t force them to reveal. Just offer your presence. The harder you look, the more they retreat.
The moment you approach, hands held up, in peace, they will appear.
They may be angry. They may not trust you. They may not even want to talk.
That’s okay.
You’re not there to fix them. You’re there to be with them.
You listen. You let them speak. You acknowledge the pain they’ve been carrying. You show them they were never the problem.
You tell them: “You didn’t deserve to be left there. And I’m here now.”
This isn’t about inner child affirmations or visualisation games. It’s about rebuilding trust, internally.
This is the moment that heals everything. Because once they trust you… They come home.
And that reunion changes you.
You’ll feel more whole, maybe a little, maybe a lot. But definitely more real.
Step 4: Mind Castle
Now you return.
Together.
Bring that part of you out of the memory and into the present. Not just mentally, but physically. Feel them in your body. In your breath. In your awareness.
This is where the Mind Castle comes in.
It’s a visual representation of your internal world. A space within you where all your reclaimed parts can live, rest, and be seen.
Each time you do this work, your Mind Castle gets brighter. More solid. More whole. You alchemise pain into power.
This is the reward.
Not in the fantasy. But in the felt reality that you are no longer fractured. You are no longer at war with yourself. You are no longer abandoned.
You are one step closer to true freedom.
You are on your path to real confidence.
You are home.
Final Words
I’ve used self-journeying to walk away from addiction. To face wounds I thought would haunt me forever. To finally feel like I’m not split between who I am and who I was.
If there’s a part of you that still feels stuck, lost, or alone...
You don’t need another recycled quote or routine change.
You just need to go back and bring your part home.
And I’m here to do it with you.
You are not alone.
Say the word and we will get to work.
I am not a coach. I am not a therapist. I am a bridge.
Here to support your walk from where you are to where you want to be.
Confident. Whole. At peace.
Until next time,
At your side, always.
-ONM
Remember this:
You don’t need to be fearless.
You just need to be present.
That’s what real confidence is.
No matter how far you’ve gone
you are only ever one journey away
from your self.
The Four Tools are in the RC Vault
Unite (RC Vault Post coming soon)
Mind Castle (RC Vault post coming soon)
This is the field manual. Keep it close. Return to it often.
Do Try This At Home.
Now for something to act on, 3 varying difficulties of exercise:
🥉 Easy
Complete a basic Pain Map.
🥈 Medium
Complete a detailed Pain Map.
Embark on a 15 minute self-journey.
🥇 Advanced
Complete a comprehensive Pain Map of your parts.
Embark on a 30 minute self-journey followed by 30 minutes reflection.
P.S. Want Guidance With Self-Journeying?
If anything in this spoke to you and you want to go deeper, reach out. I’d love to help you personally. Simply reply to this email or send me a message to inquire about 1:1 support.
What’s Coming Soon.
Next week I will be collaborating with well-being coach,
author of Mindful Moments.Together we will deconstruct the difference between coaching and therapy, share our coaching experience, expertise and what we offer clients who work with us.
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