Season 1. Episode 6.
Listen to the story.
Read the story.
Or both.
Your choice.
Either way, this one’s a symphony in parts work.
It’s deep af. But you knew that already.
cos you aint here for “cozy letters from Oliver.”
you’re here for real f-ing confidence.
So set aside 25 minutes.
and give it the presence it deserves.
because if you can’t spare 25 minutes to learn exactly how to heal trauma for free…
i wanna know - what the hell else are you doing with your time?
…
alright, now all the fluff-chasers have gone looking for validation and distractions…
welcome back, my friend.
its good to see you.
i hope this helps.
totally scrambled.
I was scared people would think I'm crazy seeing me cheer at the side of the road as I was walking home. But something in me needed to be set free.
I screamed out “YESSSS! COME ON!” As I pumped both my fists in the air emphatically.
I was charged, focused and unlocked a whole other level beyond what I was operating at. I felt a wave of powerful energy wash over me, it was like I'd just evolved.
now, 3 hours before this I was festering.
Nature was calling. I simply had to answer. After having spent the last 3 days cooped up in the house like a caged animal I was desperate for some fresh air.
Why had I been inside so much?
well 3 days before this,
I had been undergoing an immense expansion of awareness on both a spiritual and emotional level. It was wild. I woke up, you could say. To my fears, conditioning and everything that had been holding me back up to this point.
But it was not without a cost.
My mind was melting, desperately trying to piece together the shards of what I had recently called reality. Old beliefs were dying, along with assumptions about the way the world works.
Back to yesterday and I was having a call with a good friend of mine and after she confirmed everything I was experiencing, it felt like the world was collapsing in on me.
We spoke in detail and during the conversation many parts of my psyche that had been hiding in the shadows revealed themselves.
And there was me thinking I had already done all the deep work…
Well, surprise!
I realised it is constant work, life is not about becoming a perfect human being but navigating the pain and growth cycle repeating to push us further along our path.
Anyway, this is not going to be about everything that came up. But to give you some sort of idea - imagine deep fears, identity crisis, self-trust being tested, turning my head inside out and then put back together. It was heavy.
Now lets get back to the call of nature.
After all this, I needed to be surrounded by trees, water, birds, fresh air and the open sky.
the first test.
I set out early afternoon for the local park.
The walk there was enjoyable during which I had a little chat to my dad.
I arrived at the park and took a deep breath. Wow. I was so ready for this.
As the forest emerged my mind unraveled. In a good way. The relentless interrogation I had subjected it to had rendered it tightly wound and defensive. As I walked, consciously, intentionally, my mind softened.
The theme which came up first was freedom.
My struggle for freedom against a world which imposed so much structure. I came to the conclusion that those, like myself, who had felt abandoned by the system often develop a burning desire to break free.
To become entrepreneurs, to travel the world, to build their own empires,
to become scuba diving instructors…
Feeling outcast is painful. It is lonely. When you feel like the world doesn’t want you it creates a wound. This wound ignites a fire. The fire becomes an inferno that consumes you, fuelling an endless search for resolution that never comes.
I needed answers for everything. Well, until now. But this was the first test I was facing.
My simple walk out in nature was not by chance. It was part of the unfolding.
It was a pilgrimage.
I dug into the desire for freedom. Where does it come from?
A distrust of comfort? The ability to see through the lies and the constructs in place to keep me feeling safe? The unquenchable thirst for more? Broken homes? abandonment?
Probably all of the above.
I discovered that both freedom and structure are simply part of the unfolding world we find ourselves in. Chaos and order. Life and death. Pain and growth. Dichotomy.
In order to thrive, it is essential to integrate both.
After realising this, I passed the first test.
the second test.
I continued on path through the park, allowing myself to be present and connected to everything around me. Listening, watching, smelling, hearing, feeling. Fully engaged. Grounded.
I approached one of my favourite benches. (Yes, I have favourite benches.)
Sitting down, I was grateful for the rest. My feet took a breath with me. I sighed to release the tension that had accumulated as a byproduct of all this deep inner work. Reset.
The next test presented itself in the form of unworthiness.
It took a while to dig this deep. It took me through sexuality, failure with dating and the all too familiar fear of rejection. This was messy. Very very messy. Think 20 or so years of questioning my value to women messy. Yeah, I was very fucking deep at this point.
Despite this, I was calm. Not approaching with the intensity of a private investigator but a humble explorer, not seeking answers, but simply becoming aware of his surroundings.
Over a period of 45 minutes or so, I let everything come to the surface. Until I was faced with the thing that had been expertly disguised as addiction, arrogance, indifference, laziness, complacency and naivety.
Unworthiness.
The unworthiness to marry, the unworthiness to father, the unworthiness to be loved, the unworthiness to lead, the unworthiness to step into a life that I deeply longed for. The driver for excruciating loneliness, but also, extraordinary achievement.
I just found my engine. And it was cold.
This part of me had been down here in the deepest, darkest fathoms of my soul working endlessly to chase success, chase women, chase money, chase my dreams. But in all this chasing, I was only pushing everything further away.
Working on the engine was a young man.
He looked almost identical to me. However, I could see subtle differences in his eyes and posture. He looked exhausted. His eyes were tired. As if he was ready to call it a day.
I felt a warmness within me. I found him at exactly the right time.
Looking at me, he approached.
“What are you doing here?! You can’t be down here. No-one is allowed down here except me.”
“Why is that?” I asked him.
“Well, because no-one else knows the way down here! Its supposed to be a secret, I have guarded this place for over 20 years. I still cant get this bloody engine to work like I want it to.”
“What do you mean?”
“I keep trying and trying. Nothing works. I don’t understand. I cant help myself, I need it to work. I want it to work. I don’t know what I need to do!”
“Hey, its ok. I’m here now.”
“And what are you going to do? Are you going to fix it? I’ve been trying for 20 fucking years to fix it. Nothing works. Nothing. It’s hopeless. I don’t know why I try. Im just not good enough.”
“Listen. You have been here a while, maybe a fresh pair of eyes will help?”
“Fine, whatever, but you wont be able to fix it.”
“Ok, let me see.”
- the engine starts up after I tinker a little bit -
“What?! How?! You started it! You - How?”
I smiled at him with a quiet confidence.
“Thank you for all your work my friend. I see how much effort you put into this. I see how hard you have tried. I see the blood, sweat and tears you have sacrificed to this task. But now, you can rest. I am here. The engine will falter no more. It runs off self-trust. And of that, I have plenty.”
“I never truly believed I could fix this engine.” he admitted.
“And that’s why you couldn’t fix it. It was never broken. But because you felt unworthy. Because you didn't trust you, you were breaking it yourself. Now, let me tell you, you are worthy. You always were. You just forgot it along the way. Now, you deserve a rest, thank you for your hard work. Thank you for not giving up. I would like you to join me, I could use someone with your determination. What do you say?”
“Really? You'd have me?” he asked, in disbelief
"I'd be honoured." I told him.
And this is how I reconnected to my wounded part.
The most recently torn away piece of my soul. The one who was in control up until a few weeks ago. But he was resisting. He feared that if I took command, then he would be made redundant, without a job to do. Abandoned. Unwanted.
I ventured down into the depths to retrieve him. To restore him. To redeem him. For he is me and I am him. Now we stand, united under one banner. One flag that symbolises my values, beliefs and recently ignited soul.
Now back to the park.
Breathe.
Look around.
Relief.
I immediately realised I had to immortalise this moment. How? With a ceremony, of course.
I had discovered the symbolic power of simply throwing a rock into a river while I was on an expedition in Iceland last year. My coach introduced it to our group and after the transformational experience I had there, I was vividly remembering it right now.
I made my way to the stream, looked for the rock. I found it. It was dark. Dense. Heavy. Perfect to symbolise my unworthiness.
I spoke a few words about what I wanted this rock to be. Pouring my unworthiness into the weight I felt in my hands provided me with clarity. I knew exactly what to do. Exactly what to say. It was like I had done this before. Many times before.
As I cast the rock into the water I was greeted with instant weight loss. Not the kind that people seek at the gym, but deep emotional and spiritual weight loss. It was invigorating.
I smiled, turned and continued back on the path having passed the second test.
and so his reign was over.
So now, with that I made my way through the trees and mud to a clearing.
It was near the water. There were ducks. It was a wonderful scene. I stopped here for a moment of mindfulness, to remain grounded in the emotional storm ongoing in my mind.
As I set off, my vision was bright, my steps were deliberate and my presence strong. I felt one with the world around me. This was proving to be a rather incredible walk. It was more than a walk, it was a journey. a transmission.
I was saying my farewell to the part of me that struggling to surrender control. Grieving for the loss of once vital energy which no longer served me. It was a rebirth.
To bring the walk to a close, I headed for a particular bench that I had visited a year ago.
Last year, I sat there, taking special note of the moment, noticing the silver birch tree infront. It felt strange at the time, but for some reason - I had to remember this spot. Back then, I had no idea what this bench signified. But now it made total sense.
This was where I would integrate everything I had uncovered on this pilgrimage in the park.
As I sat on the bench, I envisioned my slightly younger self sat next to me. We weren't speaking, just at peace with each other. As if one leader was stepping down to allow the next to rise. To rise and take all the lessons of the past with him, to forge ahead on his path, even further into the distance.
Self-succession.
the final test.
With the integration complete, I embarked on my way home.
However. To my surprise, I came across another test. The final test of this self-hero's journey.
The moment of surrender itself.
To delete the old instagram account I had been so enthralled by during my scuba diving days. I had been obsessed with it, managing to grow it to over 8000 followers organically - an achievement I was proud of. The pixelated fruit of countless hours I had poured into that endeavour.
I hesitated. I asked, really? I have to delete it? the attachment was gripping me.
But what if I post one final story asking people to follow my new path? No, its just you asking for validation. I saw the pattern in real time.
This was the proof I needed. I saw it clearly.
I was pawning over this account because it allowed me to stay with one foot in the present - as a coach, and one foot in the past - as a dive instructor.
The diver thinks he needs to be seen by his followers.
The coach knows that's because the diver is unable to see himself.
The coach is ready to emerge, but the diver is stubborn, refusing to let go.
But now, the coach is in charge, and in that moment the diver felt it.
He finally felt seen. By me. I saw myself.
Realising his time has been and passed. His memories flashed before his eyes. A truly cherished and wonderful era of my life. One I will always hold dear to my heart.
As he began to fade away, I took a deep breath, remembering everything that he did for us during his reign, then the diver let go, he acknowledged his passing. Accepted it, and welcomed it with open arms.
i felt him smile peacefully, as he became an timeless echo. home at last.
Account deleted.
The final test had been passed.
full circle.
And so you are wondering, what the hell does the opening line have to do with any of this?
Well, as I was on the way home I was so pumped, so much energy was flowing through me. I felt the transformation happening in real time. I was evolving, growing and allowing a new presence to replace the old, self-limiting energy which I had left in the park and the stream.
So I screamed out for victory.
Because this day, I won. I won big. This was huge for me and for who I am becoming. This is what life is about.
Self-journeying, the walk within. Wholeness. Integrating, uniting yourself.
For the first time in my whole life, I finally feel worthy.
Thank you for listening.
If this awoke something inside you, If you’re ready to turn your pain into power. walk with me. subscribe to real confidence today so you can begin your own walk within
and for those of you that have been brave enough to cross the email address threshold, please - share your perspective. I would be thrilled to hear how you interpreted this piece.
at your side,
always.
Oliver
♾️
still with me?
For those who don't want to walk this journey alone, let’s do it together.
Right now, I am in the process of putting together 2 private guidance programs. one for 4 weeks, one for 8 weeks depending on the level of commitment you are looking for.
Also - for those looking for immediate results in the most flexible way. I offer 1 hour sessions on a stand alone basis.
to apply, head over to my website where you will find an application form. simply choose the option which suits you best and submit the form.
from there, we will arrange a free, no strings attached call so we can meet each other and explore how investing in 1:1 work could transform your life, and you.
If you feel the call, act now, because the right moment is never coming.
The right moment is the moment you decide to take ownership of what is already within you. It would be my honour to help you do that.
Until next time,
Be well, my friend.
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