My Dad told me I'm not successful.

real confidence

0:00

-11:33

My Dad told me I'm not successful.

It stung, but reminded me what success – actually – means.

Oliver N Mark

Apr 22, 2025

How it began.

I normally see my old man once a week.

We go for a coffee, a bite to eat then hang out to catch up on life, sometimes on the golf course.

I really enjoy it, because for the first time - I feel like we are finally building a real father-son bond. A bond which I never felt between us until recently.

My parents divorced when I was young.

I was raised by my Mom.

Throughout my early life, I didn’t really know my family. Honestly, we were familiar strangers.

I was a lone wolf.

I never appreciated them during that time. Stuck in a dark place, too busy avoiding myself to notice them.

It’s been a while since then.

After having grown out of my man-child era, I now embrace family in a completely different light.

And it is beautiful.

Now I feel blessed spending time with them, learning about their stories, and how they overcame the challenges life inevitably threw at them.

Family is one of my strongest values now. I see it as an integral part of my world. Something I am incredibly grateful for.

A stark shift from the view I used to have.

However, now I understand why I used to feel so estranged.

I used to believe the system had failed me. That it had outcast me for a reason. That it didn’t see me as worthy of the familial gifts my peers seemed to be bestowed with.

You are going to be alone, forever. Enjoy.

I saw the world as my enemy. Testing me just for the sake of it. Seeing how much I could take.

The further down this path I walked, the more cynical and resentful I became.

This was buried under a nonchalant facade. On the surface, care-free. Underneath, fragmented.

I buried my problems away, deep inside my mind. Alone, I was consumed by this side of me. Often, questioning where it came from.

What is wrong with me? I would wonder.

So what did I do? Try to please everyone, desperately trying to be a part of a society, that I believed never wanted me.

Which was really, because I never wanted to be with myself…

But while on my search for validation, I distanced myself from family. Because family are always there, right? I took it for granted.

I didn’t have the awareness back then to deconstruct it all.

But now I do. And in doing so, my world-view has transformed.

Hence, why I feel so different about family after evolving past that version of myself.

It felt necessary to set the scene first. And now that is done.

So let’s get back to the meeting I recently had with my Dad.

Popping the question.

We were out at a lovely cafe in the countryside having just ordered food and drink. For me, my ritual americano. For my Dad, soup. Followed by poached eggs on sourdough for us both.

I was ready for it. I was itching to take that first sip of hot, mahogany bliss.

My Dad had been doing his best – despite having a flaky attention-span – to stay engaged as I forcibly took him on a trip down deep-dive lane.

Family history, business developments, new ideas, profound realisations and more.

Then we came to the point of ‘success'.

I dropped a curious, but searching: “Dad, do you think I am successful?”

“No. I don’t think you are successful.”

Ouch.

I felt it sting, long after the words had gone.

No.

Feeling unseen by my Dad, my blood simmered.

Taken aback, I wanted to dig.

I wanted to know why, after all that I have accomplished, conquered and achieved in my 32 years on Earth, why my Dad thought I was unsuccessful.

“What is your idea of success, Dad?” I delivered with a firm tone.

He avoided it, flustered. “We don’t need to go into this.”

Reflecting, it was not necessary to go into it. I wanted to rip apart my Dad’s views. I wanted to obliterate his idea of success that clearly did not apply to my narrative. I was ready to go to war.

Ego.

Separation. The desire to be right. At all costs.

I saw it. I realised that my Dad was simply applying his success lens to my life. His requirements, his boxes that need to be checked.

Do you have your own house? No.

Do you own a car? No.

Are you married? No.

Do you have lots of money? No.

Well then, you are not successful. Sorry son. You don’t meet my requirements.

Looking for the lesson.

I love my Dad. More than I ever have.

I cannot begin to explain how deeply happy I am that we are reconnecting after so many years simply “checking in” with each other every few months.

I had to sit with it. Let it churn. Let it burn. Until the lesson revealed itself.

For the record, I made sure my Dad knew where I stood.

I gave a little speech about why I see myself as successful. But now, as I write this, I see there was no point in that.

There is no need to project our own views onto others. Their story is their story. My story is my story. Your story, is your story.

Now I have reached a place of peace.

Through extensive practice of mindfulness and self-reflection.

I realised, what others say to you is simply an expression of their inner world. They are observing you through their lens.

Do not take it to heart. Your world is meant to be observed with your lens and only your lens.

This piece is a rumination of sorts, a release of the discomfort that manifested within me after that moment I heard my Dad tell me I am not successful.

It hurt because I deeply believe I am.

After the dust had settled, and I had given it time to unfold, I reached a conclusion.

Define your own success.
Not what society tells you.
Not what your parents tell you.
Not what your partner tells you.
Not what anyone else tells you.
What you tell you.

I define success like this: